Esther Perel
The gift of freedom and the paradox of choice
This week, our article is written by a guest writer, Psychologist Rebecca Szoka.
Last night I had the pleasure of attending ‘An Evening with Esther Perel: The future of relationships, love, and desire’, in Melbourne.
For the uninitiated, Esther Perel is Belgian-American psychotherapist. Esther is best known for her work in human relationships, including our intimate relationships, friends, family, and work relationships.
I became an admirer of Esther’s work through her podcasts ‘Where should we begin?’ and ‘How’s work?’, which allow the listener to be a fly on the wall during a one-time relationship counselling session between Esther and her clients.
Esther covered a huge amount of ground during the 2-hour talk, which I will not try to distil in this article. However, one key concept stood out to me, where Esther discussed the gift of freedom and the paradox of choice.
In Esther’s words:
“We relish the freedom of multiple choices but we dread the uncertainty of not knowing. How do I know that this is the right one? It is a question that plagues many of us. We have more freedom to choose, and we have more self-doubt, manifesting in a chronic state of FOMO (fear of missing out): “I have this, but maybe there is something better, maybe there is someone else roaming in the vicinity that I have missed.” In large urban environments, people can get stuck on a hedonistic treadmill. The moment you get what you want, you immediately increase your expectations.”
Whilst, in the above, Esther is referring to relationships, the paradox of choice, and ‘hedonistic treadmill’ pervades all areas of our lives. The more choices and freedom we have, the greater our self-doubt, and our fear of making the “wrong decision”. This is compounded by a culture where the pursuit of happiness has become paramount. If our goal is to ‘be happy’, then we force ourselves to ask “am I happy enough?”
Take the following workplace examples. Perhaps I am fairly contented in my work, but there is a nagging feeling that “maybe I can find a better job.” Or perhaps I have just received a promotion, and rather than pausing to reflect on my achievement, I am immediately thinking about the next one.
We hold on to particular achievements as a source of this vague ideal of ‘happiness’, thinking, “I’ll be happy when I…”. Once that achievement comes around, we might only be happy for a few hours, days, or weeks. But it soon fades. And so we look to the next one, and the next one, and the next one.
So, how do we stop running on this hedonistic treadmill? How do we alleviate the paradox of choice?
The first step is recognising it. I invite you to take a moment to pause today and consider in what ways these concepts are affecting your life. Are you feeling plagued with self-doubt? Are you constantly asking yourself if there’s something better out there for you?
After that, there are many strategies you can use, including:
Enjoy the journey, not the destination. Going on a hike isn’t about the moment where you take off the heavy backpack at the end of the journey. It’s about noticing the moments along the way, like the smell of damp grass, the views on the horizon, and the pain in your feet.
Change your thinking from “I’ll be happy when…” to, “I am happy with…”
Start with why. When you make a goal, understand it’s purpose. How does it align with your values? What will it mean when you accomplish it? Why is it meaningful?